I'm right there with you in feeling the strangeness of penning a query letter, even after writing a hundred thousand words in the story I might be querying. I'm by no means an expert in crafting letters, so feel free to take my opinions with a grain of salt.
The main issue I see in both of these letters is that (like the rejection letter you received) they feel like form submissions. There's nothing in the letters that tells the agent why you think you and your novel would be a good fit FOR THEM. Even a little blurb saying something like "based on your interests in [blank], [blank], and [blank], here's why my novel is what you're looking for." And make sure that it IS what they're looking for and that you update that section based on what the person you're querying wants. There could be different angles you take for each agent you query.
You do a good job of summarizing your book, but even that could be a little more concise. A little more mystery? I don't know. I'm less concerned with this aspect of the letters than my initial concern.
I'd also be hesitant to open with "I've written a terrible story" haha I have a tendency to play at self-deprecating humor, but it usually lands wrong especially in written form. Plus, 90% of the stories pitched to these agents probably ARE terrible and you don't want to subconsciously align yourselves with them.
Hi Will,
I'm right there with you in feeling the strangeness of penning a query letter, even after writing a hundred thousand words in the story I might be querying. I'm by no means an expert in crafting letters, so feel free to take my opinions with a grain of salt.
The main issue I see in both of these letters is that (like the rejection letter you received) they feel like form submissions. There's nothing in the letters that tells the agent why you think you and your novel would be a good fit FOR THEM. Even a little blurb saying something like "based on your interests in [blank], [blank], and [blank], here's why my novel is what you're looking for." And make sure that it IS what they're looking for and that you update that section based on what the person you're querying wants. There could be different angles you take for each agent you query.
You do a good job of summarizing your book, but even that could be a little more concise. A little more mystery? I don't know. I'm less concerned with this aspect of the letters than my initial concern.
I'd also be hesitant to open with "I've written a terrible story" haha I have a tendency to play at self-deprecating humor, but it usually lands wrong especially in written form. Plus, 90% of the stories pitched to these agents probably ARE terrible and you don't want to subconsciously align yourselves with them.
Hope this was remotely helpful!