I think writing a query letter is a strange thing. A query letter is what authors send to literary agents, along with some pages from their books, in order to convince an agent to represent them. I don’t know why, but even after writing several hundred thousand words in several novels and short stories, writing an approximate 350-word query letter doesn’t come easy for me.
I am not going to try to offer suggestions on writing query letters, but I would like to try something else. I will post two versions of my query letter for Shame of Kings for you to examine. I hope you will provide some feedback or at least tell me which one you prefer, or even tell me if you don’t like either one. My hope is that other authors might be interested in what I’ve done and that it might help them. Even if you don’t like my letters, maybe this help help you to avoid making the same mistakes.
So here goes. Please don’t hold back; I can take it.
Query letter number 1: ( I have sent this to six agents this week. I received one form rejection, and to me, that’s better than six.)
Dear agent,
SHAME OF KINGS is a historical fiction of 83700 words that tells the story of Sinapa, prince of the Calusa tribe in Florida. Ideal readers would be drawn to the sad, epic themes of Laura Esquival’s MALINCHE, Eleanor Shearer’s RIVER SING ME HOME, and Charles Frazier’s COLD MOUNTAIN.
When King Carlos, ruler of the mighty Calusa nation, learns that Spanish ships are approaching the Calusa territory of southwest Florida, he plans to fight them and drive them away. Prince Sinapa, son of Carlos, is ready to lead the fight, but his father has other plans. Carlos sends Sinapa and seven Calusa warriors on a mission across the Gulf of Mexico to find King Montezuma, ruler of the Aztec Empire. With reports the Spaniards are also threatening the Aztecs, Carlos wants Sinapa to try to convince Montezuma to ally with the Calusas to defeat the Spaniards and eliminate them forever as a threat to the two nations.
Sinapa does not know if it is even possible to make it across the Gulf of Mexico. He wants to make his father proud, yet he departs filled with shame at not being chosen to lead the fierce Calusas against the Spanish invaders. Sinapa wonders if his father has sent him away because he doesn’t trust him or if he truly thinks he can succeed with Montezuma. Sinapa makes it to the Aztec capital Tenochtitlan, where he meets King Montezuma and tries to persuade him about the seriousness of the threat from the Spaniards.
In Florida King Carlos is betrayed by his chief general and assassinated by the Spaniards, while Sinapa faces his own betrayal by Montezuma. The Spaniards move on both nations, devastating with their modern weapons and spreading lethal diseases. Sinapa escapes Tenochtitlan and returns to Florida where he must face the Spaniards and the truth behind his father’s death.
I have an MA in English Language Arts Education and have taught for seventeen years at the middle school, high school, and university levels. Before teaching, I was a public affairs specialist for the U.S. Air Force and attended the Defense Information School and wrote articles for national and international newspapers.
I look forward to hearing from you!
Will Granger
Ok, so what did you think? Please some feedback or wait until you read the next one, so you can compare.
Query letter number 2:
Dear Agent,
I have written a terrible story: there is no decisive victory, the good guys don’t win, there is no happy ending. SHAME OF KINGS is a historical fiction of 83700 words that tells the story of Sinapa, prince of the fierce, once-dominant Calusa tribe in Florida. Readers outside of Florida may not know about the Calusas, but they were one of the last tribes to resist European invasions. Ideal readers would be drawn to the sad, epic themes of Laura Esquival’s MALINCHE, Eleanor Shearer’s RIVER SING ME HOME, and Charles Frazier’s COLD MOUNTAIN.
When King Carlos, ruler of the mighty Calusa nation, learns Spanish ships are approaching his territory in southwest Florida, he prepares for battle. Prince Sinapa, son of Carlos, is ready to lead the fight, but his father has other plans. Carlos sends Sinapa and seven Calusa warriors on a possibly hopeless mission across the Gulf of Mexico to find King Montezuma, ruler of the Aztec Empire. With reports the Spaniards are also threatening the Aztecs, Carlos wants Sinapa to try to convince Montezuma to ally with the Calusas to defeat the Spaniards and drive them away forever.
Sinapa does not know if it is even possible to make it across the Gulf of Mexico. He wants to make his father proud, yet he departs filled with shame at not being chosen to lead the Calusas against the Spanish invaders. Sinapa wonders if his father sent him away because he doesn’t trust him or if he truly thinks he can succeed with Montezuma. Sinapa makes it to the Aztec capital Tenochtitlan, where he meets King Montezuma and tries to persuade him of the seriousness of the threat from the Spaniards.
In Florida, King Carlos is betrayed by his chief general and assassinated by the Spaniards, while Sinapa faces his own betrayal by Montezuma. The Spaniards move on both nations, devastating with their modern weapons and spreading lethal diseases. Sinapa escapes Tenochtitlan and returns to Florida where he must face the Spaniards and the truth behind his father’s death.
I have an MA in English Language Arts Education and have taught for seventeen years at the university, high school, and middle school levels. Before teaching, I was a public affairs specialist for the U.S. Air Force and graduated from the Defense Information School and wrote articles for national and international newspapers.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Will Granger
I am really curious to find out what you think. Also, please consider sharing this post with other authors.
Hi Will,
I'm right there with you in feeling the strangeness of penning a query letter, even after writing a hundred thousand words in the story I might be querying. I'm by no means an expert in crafting letters, so feel free to take my opinions with a grain of salt.
The main issue I see in both of these letters is that (like the rejection letter you received) they feel like form submissions. There's nothing in the letters that tells the agent why you think you and your novel would be a good fit FOR THEM. Even a little blurb saying something like "based on your interests in [blank], [blank], and [blank], here's why my novel is what you're looking for." And make sure that it IS what they're looking for and that you update that section based on what the person you're querying wants. There could be different angles you take for each agent you query.
You do a good job of summarizing your book, but even that could be a little more concise. A little more mystery? I don't know. I'm less concerned with this aspect of the letters than my initial concern.
I'd also be hesitant to open with "I've written a terrible story" haha I have a tendency to play at self-deprecating humor, but it usually lands wrong especially in written form. Plus, 90% of the stories pitched to these agents probably ARE terrible and you don't want to subconsciously align yourselves with them.
Hope this was remotely helpful!